Long time no chat...

Ok, it’s been a long time since I posted. A REALLY long time. To the point where I wasn’t sure if I should keep this up. But then I remembered how much I enjoyed the little bit I had done, so I’m back ✌️And naturally, there is a lot to discuss (don't worry - I've kept some things for future posts).

First things first, and most importantly, I’ve now had 3 recovery periods! Woohoooooo! Never thought I would find getting a period so exciting, but there you have it! I’ve also started upping the mileage in terms of running…that was until recently when I started to get a niggle in my quad and have decided to take a little break (aka being sensible).

Since my last post, however, I’ve also had some really tough moments, moments of reflection and moments of learning. This whole journey is about appreciating and accepting my body regardless of what it looks like; and about understanding that health is a state of mind, and one in which balance and intuition are central. And this process involves unlearning old thought patterns and working to unpack and eliminate triggers of self-degradation.

I’m not going to pretend I don’t occasionally have toxic thoughts, or think about compensating in meals to ‘make up’ for cake/biscuits etc. I’m not going to pretend I have my nutrition 100% sorted. I am very much still learning, and still doing the work. To put it in perspective, I made a bake the other day, with POTATOES, and I grated CHEESE on top...and I was PROUD of myself for being totally ok with it - for recognising that there was nothing nutritionally defective in what I was eating, just because there were both potatoes and cheese involved.

On the topic of food, something I’ve been thinking a lot about is “self control”, particularly in the context of women and food. What I have noticed is that generally speaking, males tend to think a bit less about eating – i.e., they don’t overthink eating. Amongst women, however, there seems to be this culture of rewarding what I call “food self-control”. For example, say you eat breakfast at 8am, get hungry at 11am, but stop yourself having a snack, instead “holding out” for lunch at 12pm…and you see this behaviour as something to reward since you didn’t “give in” to the hunger... Since when did being hungry become a sign of self-control…something women should be proud of?

As my ever-supportive flat-mate and friend said, “I don’t have time to be hungry”…WISE WORDS pals. We need to move beyond this idea that abiding by any kind of food restriction is some kind of achievement. Choosing crisps over carrot sticks (if crisps is what you really feel like) doesn’t make you weak. Not having seconds, even though you’re not yet full, isn’t some kind of enviable ability. You’re not “good” if you have one scoop of ice-cream instead of two, or if you don’t have a snack between meals. Come on ladies (and gents) - let’s get over our eating habits as a source of pride or denigration. Food is there to fuel our bodies and, at least some (most) of the time, bring us joy and help us connect to others. Let us honour this, not abuse it.

I’m also not going to pretend I haven’t been alarmed by gaining weight or pretend I haven’t felt self-conscious. Seeing how clothes fit or sit differently now, or don’t fit at all, has been triggering. Every one of these moments requires me to recognise that these feelings of ‘disappointment’ and 'stress' are just that – feelings. And feelings that come from an unhealthy thought pattern which dictates if I am not a certain size/shape, then I am not good enough. In these moments, I have to summon up my inner strength, look at myself with kindness, remember what the ‘old’ body represented, both in terms of self-hatred as well as physiological imbalance, and remember how far I have come. If this is the physical body I need to live a fulfilling life right now, then so be it. The fabric I choose to wrap my body in is just that – fabric – and not some marker of my value. Especially when it comes to activewear…tight fabric cutting in to softer parts of my body is not a reason to think I need to change my body. End of story.

Spending a week in Italy in October meant putting on a bikini for the first time since January. Whilst it just about fit, there was also no hiding from the changes that have come with healing (both physiologically and mentally). I am so glad I did put it on – sometimes you have to jump in the deep end to realise you can actually swim. And it wasn’t just the bikini that was eye-opening on the trip to Italy; it was seeing photos of myself more generally. Seeing how my body looks different (to me) in photos, as opposed to just my reflection in the mirror, has stirred up lots of feelings, something I am sure resonates with many people, as lockdown and Covid more generally, have changed our daily habits and activities. I would be 100% lying if I didn’t look at some of these photos of me and think ‘oh that’s not flattering’. And I know this is quite a common reaction, due to years and years of conditioning around what we should see as ‘aesthetically pleasing’ when it comes to how bodies are depicted.

One such example was seeing my legs in some photos taken on top of a mountain after a relatively tough hike. After noticing my initial reaction of dissatisfaction towards the photos, I stepped back and reminded myself of exactly what those legs gave me. They allowed me to get up the mountain in the first place, to soak up the views and the glorious sunshine, they allow me to run, to stand up in the kitchen and make delicious food, to easily jump on my bike to visit a pal or pop to the shops. The ease of my day-to-day life is in no small part due to my legs. To look upon any part of our bodies with distaste is an act of unkindness, disrespect, and ultimately (and most importantly) ingratitude. And I have no reason to feel ungrateful for anything in my life.

It’s not an understatement to say that my attitude towards myself has changed quite significantly on this journey. I now feel like I am in a place where I have a much better appreciation of the fact that my value and worth are not linked to the shape of my physical body or my food choices. I’m not a lesser person because I don’t follow a strict eating regime, or occasionally buy crisps, or enjoy a pizza nearly every week. I’m not lesser because I need to eat more food than some other people, or because I have some carbs with multiple meals a day (which you SHOULD by the way, duh)… But this deeper self-acceptance at one point triggered a funny cascade of thoughts that went something like this:

“Now that I have this deeper sense of self-worth, does this mean I wasn’t really me before?...and if I wasn’t really ‘me’ before, does that devalue all my experiences since leaving school and going down this route?...Have I wasted the last 6 years??!?!?!”

Fair to say I was having a bit of an existential crisis…

Looking back on this moment now, of course I can see that my thoughts didn’t make much sense – I was implying that one’s sense of self is something static – some point we should reach and then stabilise at…which is of course, not the case. Having a fluid, ever-evolving sense of self is one of the beautiful things about being human. No-one is the person they were at school, or the even the person they were 6 months ago, and that doesn’t undermine the value of the experiences they had in those prior times. So, what am I trying to say here (get to the point pls Dais)? I’m saying that deepening our understanding of who we are doesn’t negate all that has come before. It’s part of our journey as self-aware beings. It is up to me to choose to look back on my past experiences with love and kindness towards the person I was. I can be grateful for the many many wonderful moments, and appreciate that they joy I felt then was no less real than the joy I experience with the self-appreciation I have today.

Right, that is CERTAINLY enough for now. Please leave your thoughts below, if you feel so inclined, as this blog is ultimately about open conversation! Sending lots of love and strength to you all wherever you are.

D xxx