"Clothing does not maketh the woman"; a week of ups and downs

Before I dive into this week’s reflections, I want to thank everyone who read my first post, those of you who reached out with messages of love and support, and a special shout out to my super talented pal Evvia who created the beautiful new cover art for me – check her out @evvia_art.

Rightio. So, I’m now officially 2 weeks into being ‘all in’, and although it may not be noticeable to everyone, I certainly feel a little softer around the edges. This week has been about being ok with that. And when I really think about it, it’s less about being ok with being softer and less-toned, and more fundamentally about accepting change. To be comfortable in this moment, I need to detach myself from an image of my body that I “approved” for myself, the image that I associated with everything being ok, and embrace an understanding of my physical body as something fluid. I’m being pushed to let go of all these little ‘markers’ and body checks I had created to signal to my mind that my body wad ‘ok’. For example, being able to see collarbones/bones, absence of cellulite, waistbands not cutting in, certain lines of muscle definition etc. The weird thing is, the absence or presence of these things doesn’t bother me on other people…it never has. But for some reason, I didn’t think they were acceptable on me. This week I’ve caught my reflection in windows walking down the street and practiced reframing my immediate reaction of anxiousness, with thoughts of acceptance and love. And it’s HARD WORK. It takes mental strength and it is really challenging me to deeply know - really truly understand - that my worth lies beyond what I can see in the mirror. As they say, hard work makes easy.

One of the big triggers for me is clothing. It really is CRAZY that we can allow a piece of inanimate cloth to drive our sense of self-worth. I had bit of a breakthrough this week. On the weekend I bought a new dress (Ganni, 50% off - a great deal, I know - v.exciting times). The breakthrough was that even thought I could fit into the size 10 (UK), I wanted to buy something that could accommodate changes in my body. So I bought the size 12. And honestly, this was the first time I have been ok, even happy, with buying something outside of what I viewed as the ‘acceptable size range’ for me. And again, I have NEVER EVER cared about the sizes of clothing that other people wear. But for some reason, I was only allowed to live in a certain range…which is all the more toxic when you realise that those sizes are arbitrary constructions designed to enable standardised production and large-scale consumption.

The power that clothing can have over us is something that we need to acknowledge so that we can move beyond it. I wore that new dress on Monday, and felt a million dollars walking down the street in it. Two days later, I wore a different, sleeveless, dress, and as I walked down the same street, past the same buildings, I had to work so hard to stop stressing over how I thought my arms looked. Same woman, different dress, different outlook triggered. IT’S FABRIC FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. What I am trying to get at is that I was not a different person, yet I let the fabric that covered my body dictate how insecure I felt. Now that I see the power I gave to the clothing, I can practice taking that power back. It is OK to grow out of clothing. It is OK for something to be too tight. It is OK to need a different size. And it is OK to feel better in certain clothes that in other clothes. You and I don’t need to feel bad just because something that “looks good” on someone else doesn’t look as good on us. But what we do need to challenge ourselves on is whether we feel good in something because we think it ‘covers up’ or ‘hides’ some part of our physical body that we don’t want seen. Firstly, this sends toxic messages to us that some part of us is not good enough. Secondly, who decided that we should hide that? What rulebook for humanity did that come from? Clothing does NOT maketh the woman (or man, or non-binary person)

This links to something else I’ve been thinking about, and that is the positive connotations I have attached to being small. I actually used to relish in the moments when people told me how tiny I was… Anyway, it’s something I’m planning to do more reflecting on, as I think there are both social and personal factors involved. Social because this obsession with women being physically small relates to the assertion of male power. Male dominance rests on a foundation of trying to make women powerless – to take up less space. Shrinking women in the physical is just a manifestation of shrinking the value of women in the social. However, I also think there must be some more personal reasons that have caused me to fixate on making myself small…stay tuned for more on this.

Finally, I’ve also been observing my default response to seeing some of these changes – “oh yes, it’s fine, you’ll get trim and toned again when you get back to running”. I have to catch myself in these moments and remind myself that these changes are not some kind of regression - something that I need to come back and ‘fix’ at some point in the future. The whole point is that I – we – don’t need to look a certain way AND that it is ok for our bodies to be in flux. If you are thinking about needing to ‘change’ your physical body from the way it currently is, or wanting to exercise to look a certain way, ask yourself why. And if the answer relates to wanting to ‘feel good’ about yourself, maybe ask yourself why that depends on how you look. Who’s expectations are you trying to meet?

Ok, now finally for real, I had another great moment earlier this week where I was doing yoga, and I caught a glimpse of the cellulite around my butt. And I felt so neutral about it. When I messaged a beautiful friend and shared my delight in lovingly accepting this part of my body, we celebrated how far we had both come in self-acceptance. So here’s to compassion, kindness and unconditional self-love. And a massive shout-out to the influencers being REAL with their bodies on social media – we love and salute you.

Thanks for reading this week. Until next time, big love and keep doing you.